Saturday, July 06, 2013

A Little Heartbreak...

As always, it's been a while since I've been on here. And as always, I know I've been busy but I can't pinpoint with exactly what. It seems like I am constantly do things that need to be done, but at the end of the day, I feel like I've accomplished absolutely nothing.

For the past several months now I haven't felt like my normal 'self ' ... I've been overly tired, but unable to sleep. I've been moody, but with no apparent cause. I've had migraines, but never had them in my life before. I had been working out and making healthier food choices and I was feeling good but then all of the sudden I completely lost all motivation. All I want to do is sleep and eat. I find myself falling asleep if I sit down for even a minute or two. But even when I allow that to happen, or even when I get an adequate amount of sleep one night, I wake up feeling no more rested than before. I have just been in a slump.

So back in the end of May, I found out I was pregnant. I was really excited! I felt like I had a little pep in my step and I smiled every time I thought of sewing a new crib quilt, choosing a name, or digging out the kids' old baby clothes... I really was thrilled, regardless of how 'ready' we were or were not. I figure, there really IS no 'ready'. New babies come along, families and finances adjust and things work out just how they're supposed to. Regardless of the excitement I felt, there was a small voice in the back of my head saying it was too good to be true. I had taken a pregnancy test one morning and got that positive result then the next evening I got a negative. I figured it had to do with the time of day that I took those tests, because my body was SCREAMING that I was pregnant! I had all my normal signs- weird taste in my mouth, fatigue (although I was already experiencing this, as I said above), I could smell every spice in the cupboard... along with the more common things a woman feels during a pregnancy. Still, this voice nagged at me. I felt like it just wasn't real. Something wasn't right. And that voice was correct. Just three days after testing positive, I had a very early miscarriage. They call it a chemical pregnancy. As if it's just a fluke. Chemical pregnancy?? Like it's not even a valid concern or loss... My doctor told me that it happens with about 20% of conceptions- basically the egg is fertilized but never attaches to the wall of the uterus. She said that often times, it's the body's way of dealing with something that isn't going to 'work out'- like a chromosomal abnormality. Because it happens so early on, most women don't even know it happens. It's why many doctors discourage early testing- because I guess they assume what you don't know can't hurt you.

It does hurt. Even though there wasn't even a heartbeat yet, it hurts because of what it was supposed to be... it was supposed to be a brand new life. It was supposed to be one more little light in our world. It was supposed to be a surprise, because I was already pretty much decided on not finding out the sex of the baby. It was supposed to be my third baby.

I feel like I'm the only one hurting. Maybe because it was my body that did this. Maybe because I just think of it in a totally different way than anyone I told... I don't know. I feel like everyone had an attitude of 'oh well' while I was truly, genuinely sad about it.

But life moves on whether you're sad or happy.

I helped my sister with her wedding plans. I did my day-to-day stuff. We watched my husband's cousin graduate high school. We spent time as a family at the zoo...

On June 29th, my sister married a wonderful man in my parent's backyard. It was beautiful! We had all of my family together and we had extended family in from Colorado. It was a hot day, but a gorgeous day. After the festivities, as it got late, my husband decided to take London home while Kannon and I stayed to play and help clean up. He called me about 45 minutes later...

Our sweet Louis dog was dead.

He was tied up in the backyard and had knocked his water dish over and the heat was just too much. So we buried him in the backyard the next day and planted a tree there with him... We were all a little heartbroken. I broke the news to Kannon that very night, but I've since had to break it to him several more times, because he keeps asking where Louis is...

So I'm still not feeling like my normal 'self '... I lost what was supposed to be a brand new life... and we're one less pet in our family...

That's where we're at, I guess.


  1. Wow, more than a little heartbreak. I'm so sorry to hear that, I know you were really hoping for another family member soon.

  2. I am sorry to hear about all of you losses. I have had 2 miscarriages and the first one was the first time I was ever pregnant and the other was just about 2 and a half years ago. It does get easier but I will never forget what happened and even still I think that I could have an almost 2 year old right now and it makes me sad. I hope that things look up for you and your family this summer because I know you guys deserve it.

  3. Hi-

    I stumbled onto your blog during a recipe search and I wanted to share how sorry I am for your loss - on both accounts. I hope you've taken some time to heal. Perhaps you'll consider adopting another pup or even a pair of pups from a shelter or rescue? The best thing about our capacity to love is that it's never ending. Maybe making room for new friends and loves will help dull the ache of old wounds. Brightest blessings!


    1. thank you Sam, I appreciate your kind words!